On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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