We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
