Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
