I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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