People in love make me want to vomit
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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