omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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