my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
