Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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