So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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