Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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