life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
