Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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