"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
