If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
