I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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