hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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