just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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