Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
