The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
