youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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