So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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