meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
