I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
