I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
