Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
