So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
