the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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