i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
