Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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