Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
