yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
As shirtless as possible
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
