Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
