so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
