you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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