now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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