i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
