Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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