Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
