Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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