I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
