You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
