I like to think it a success when the cops are called
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
