What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
