I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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