he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
