I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
