If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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