who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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