party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
