i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
